The Lawn Mower Incident

Mike Wolcott

I find it funny how people remember things differently as time goes on.  What inspired me to share the following story was a recent dispute that I witnessed between my father and sister, over what I will refer to as the “lawn mower incident”. This event took place many years ago. Both remember the incident very differently and each person has a version of the story that depicts the other as being at fault.  In this article I’m going to recount the “lawnmower incident” from my perspective. After all, I was the only one who witnessed the event through an unbiased lens.

            It was a hot summer day back in the mid 1990s.  My father decided that on this day, my sister Megan would be taught to mow the lawn on his John Deere tractor. He recently claimed that my sister was fifteen years old when this happened and that this was an attempt to prepare her for driving a car. Sorry dad but that is bullshit. Megan was no more than ten years old and was likely younger. How do I know? As weird as it sounds, I remember not knowing my neighbor Ben at that point. Ben moved in across the street when he was five years old. If this was the summer before I met him, I would’ve been six and Megan ten years old. Ten years old is far too young to be driving anything. Then again, she wasn’t asked to parallel park. Hell, to call it driving would be a stretch. She was just kind of sitting on the mower as it crawled across the lawn at the pace of a snail.

           Our front yard is relatively big with no obstacles to speak of, just some pine trees in the very front that mark the end of the lawn. There is no need to maneuver around the trees, just turn around.  My father had the mower set at the lowest gear for the rookie driver. The mower is painfully slow at this speed. It would probably take eleven hours to cut our lawn at this gear. It would take ten minutes just to drive across the street. But I digress. It was a sunny day; my father had his shirt off and was likely wearing a straw hat (as he often does on hot summer days). After some instruction (drive straight and occasionally turn when needed), Megan got up on the old John Deere.
            
         My father had intended for her to drive straight until she reached the pine trees in the front of the yard. She would then have to make a left hand turn and head back in a circle the other way. The John Deere was moving very slow, but after about 30 seconds she was getting close to the trees. “Ok Meg, turn her around” my father said with a sense of encouragement. He seemed proud of his daughter in this moment; she was growing up before his eyes and learning to cut grass. The mower inched closer to the trees, but Megan didn’t react to his advice. “Megan, start turning the wheel!” he said again, this time sounding concerned. Inexplicably, she still didn’t react. At a blazing 2 miles an hour, she was headed directly toward a collision with the massive trees. My father was running up to the trees at this point, “GOD DAMMIT MEGAN TURN THE FUCKING WHEEL!!!!” But still there was no reaction. She didn’t turn the wheel at all.

           Megan’s first and only lawn mowing experience lasted about 45 seconds. The mower crashed directly into the trees and was now stuck within the branches. My father ripped her off the seat and scrambled to get the still running mower disengaged from the branches. This was no easy task, especially since these were pine trees. Megan sprinted for the house with tears in her eyes. My mother, the only onlooker besides yours truly, shook her head from the kitchen window.
             
             My sister’s explanation for the lawnmower incident is that she didn’t know what she was doing and wasn’t given proper instruction. What is there to know exactly? She’s a smart person; all she had to do was turn the wheel. What did she think would happen by driving into a tree?  My dad contests that he spent 15 minutes with her that day going over the ins and outs of tractor driving. When asked why he didn’t do more to stop the slow moving mower his response was “What was I suppose to do? Jump in front of it?” He believes Megan wanted to play with her friends that day and crashed the mower out of spite. While I don’t consider Megan a spiteful person, this argument could have some weight to it. Regardless, the effects of the lawnmower incident had a long term impact on Megan as she hasn’t cut a lawn since, this despite now having a yard of her own. If she ever gets on a tractor again, hopefully she’ll remember to turn the fucking wheel.

Tebow Versus "The Sanchise"

Anthony Constantino

As many as five teams waited patiently and watched other teams scoop up some of the best free agents on the market; the five teams were waiting on Peyton Manning’s decision. All that was missing was a one hour special on ESPN showcasing his choice a la LeBron James. As the smoke cleared the Denver Broncos became Peyton’s new team, and likely the final stop of his hall of fame career.

 Despite the fact that the Denver Broncos made the playoffs and won a playoff game, the Broncos went out and signed Manning. This forced Tim Tebow out of the starting lineup, which seems unwarranted. All Tebow did in his time as the Bronco’s starter was provide a spark to a 1-4 team and quarterback them during a memorable run for a division title and a playoff spot. After that show he gave an encore performance in the postseason with a remarkable playoff win over the Pittsburgh Steelers.  

One team that missed out on the Peyton Manning sweepstakes was the New York Jets. After missing on Manning the Jets gave their incumbent quarterback, Mark Sanchez, a contract extension of three years worth a reported 40.5 million dollars. The Jets then decided just days after giving Sanchez an extension that they would trade for Tim Tebow. What ensued after the trade for Tebow was a media firestorm. Reporters asked if this marked the end of Sanchez as starting quarterback for the Jets. Others wondered if this move was done to try and repair a tumultuous locker room that seemed beyond repair at the end of last season.

At first reports surfaced that Tebow was brought in to be used in the “wildcat” package. For those who don’t know, this is a package designed to create a mismatch in favor of the offense. The player who receives the ball at the snap in the “wildcat” is normally fast and shifty and tries to find a quick hole up the middle, or use his speed to the outside edge. Tebow does not possess the qualities needed to run a “wildcat” package effectively, at least not one the NFL has seen to date. So this became a poor explanation for trading to get Tebow on the roster.

The following day Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum addressed the media in saying that Tim Tebow was brought in to be the backup quarterback for the team. What seemed like an innocent remark that would explain everything to the fans and media alike only stirred the pot. The New York Jets must not have paid any attention to what was going on in Denver last season. Tim Tebow is one of the most polarizing players the NFL has ever seen. He is a lightning rod for controversy, criticism, praise, and everything in between. Not to mention he has a very loyal following; fans cannot get enough of this unorthodox quarterback turned superstar.

Now I’ve sat and watched this unfold and I realize that the Jets did everything wrong in handling this situation. First, the Jets chased after a future hall of fame quarterback in free agency and didn’t land him. This move was a major risk because Mark Sanchez is already well documented as a player with a noticeably shaky psyche. The attempt to sign Peyton Manning could not instill much confidence in Sanchez. Second, the Jets handed Sanchez a healthy contract extension as if to show their faith in him as a developing quarterback. This move came off more as the Jets got caught cheating on Mark Sanchez, so they felt bad and tried to heal the wound by buying Mark a diamond necklace or a new car. Lastly, the Jets brought in a quarterback that hijacked Kyle Orton’s job in Denver last year en route to a playoff berth and playoff win. Tim Tebow will do everything he can to rip the starting job in New York away from Mark Sanchez at the first sign of struggle from Sanchez.

Oh and by the way Mark, you can pick up Tim Tebow’s fan base at the baggage claim, they’ll be lined up there waiting for Tebow to show his face anywhere in the greater New York City area. If you don’t want to pick up that fan base it’s OK, they will see you at MetLife Stadium in September chanting “Tebow! Tebow!” after every mistake you make.

My honest opinion is that the Jets had good intentions. They know their locker room is a mess and they probably wanted to bring in a blue collar guy with a positive attitude. The problem is that this is the wrong guy. He divides locker rooms with his inability to throw the ball consistently as a quarterback and his unparalleled ability to motivate and lead. He is the only player this league has ever seen play a bad three quarters and one good quarter, while keeping his job, keeping his popularity, and winning games. Of course, I give a large amount of credit to the defense he worked with, but the Jets defense is an upgrade (Ranked 5th in 2011).

If the New York Jets were trying to get Mark Sanchez’s attention, the trade for Tebow will do that. Now Sanchez will either step his game up and become the quarterback Jets faithful do not deserve (after treating him so poorly), or Sanchez will succumb to the pressure and hand the starting job over to Tim Tebow. The Jets have the season’s first quarterback controversy before the draft has even taken place. This is exactly what an organization wants to avoid in March. One way or another, the controversy will be settled. The Jets will either remain the only “Sanchise” in the NFL, or we can expect “Tebowmania” to take over New York City.

Super Mario?

Anthony Constantino

96 million dollars with 50 million guaranteed over 6 years of service. Those are the terms that were agreed to between Mario Williams and the Buffalo Bills on March 15th. With this agreement, Mario Williams became the highest paid defensive player in NFL history.

It serves as no surprise that Williams is considered the biggest signing in the history of the Buffalo Bills. Talking to Bills fans around Buffalo you can hear it in their voice; optimism. As if a massive weight has been lifted off their shoulders, they feel as though their team has earned NFL relevancy again. For the three days Mario Williams was in town, the eyes of NFL owners and fans alike were fixated on Buffalo. Bills fans were filled with anticipation, documenting every move he made during his visit to the Queen City via Twitter and Facebook.

However, I contest that this deal is not as incredible as the fans and media are making it out to be. Yes, it is the first top notch free agent to sign with Buffalo during the free agency era in football. Yes, he is expected to make a significant impact on the pass rush that tied for 27th in the league last season. And yes, the signing of Mario Williams may even entice future free agents to consider or pay a visit to Buffalo. All of these things cannot be ignored, but to look only at the positives is missing the bigger picture.

One of the best features of being a fan of a team is selective analysis. That is, a fan can choose to evaluate the decisions of a team they like while only focusing on the positive aspects. If something negative is released a fan can choose to ignore it, or try to put a positive spin on it. Fans do not have to look at anything other than the silver lining if they do not want to, it is their prerogative. Here are some of the facts that Bills fans have not considered just yet.

Under the current CBA there is an introduction of a cap floor. This designates a minimum amount of money a team has to spend out of the salary cap. Beginning in 2013, all NFL teams must spend at least 89% of the allotment. The Bills have routinely spent around 65% of their allotted cap space over the past ten years. This forces the organization to go out and spend more money than usual. This means that the money has to be spent somewhere. So what the Bills’ brass did is hand a significant portion of their allotment over to one player. Playing at his position, he cannot single-handedly turn around a franchise.

With 96 million dollars spread out over 6 years, Mario Williams’ salary will take up an average of 16 million per season. This is an enormous number to stomach for a defensive player in what has become an offense friendly league. But how impactful has Mario Williams been in his career thus far?

In Mario’s first five seasons (we will omit year six, in which he only played five games), he never topped 60 tackles in a season, and had only 230 in that time. Williams averaged just below 10 sacks per season (9.4) which amounts to less than one sack per game. In those years, the defense he played on was in the bottom third of the league each year in sacks.

These statistics could indicate that his presence on the field did not disrupt the blocking scheme enough to allow for his teammates to get sacks. The other explanation could be that his fellow defensive linemen in Houston were not capable of assisting in the pass rush. This would be hard to believe since they are NFL caliber players. They must have been able to succeed somewhere in order to be employed in the league.

The low number of sacks likely led to their high number of passing yards allowed per game each season; the Texans were never in the top half of the league in pass yards allowed per game in those five years. That also suggests that the defense was unable to create enough pressure to disrupt opposing quarterback’s rhythm. The impact of Mario Williams may not be as great as fans might be assuming. Hence, the signing has the potential to be a major let down.

The one question Bills’ faithful must mull over until the season’s start is whether or not the rest of the team can generate a pass rush, while Williams draws attention from opposing blockers. Most people assume that offenses will focus on neutralizing Mario Williams and try to make other pass rushers be the difference makers in games. There are more opportunities to add players to the team through the ongoing free agency period and the upcoming NFL Draft. There is no doubt that more players will be needed for the Bills to be considered contenders for a division crown, much less a championship run.

The Worst Songs of All-Time

Mike Wolcott

Everyone has those songs that they just can’t stand to hear.  The songs that annoy me most seem to come from the 1980s.  The 1980s were a time of big hair and big hooks, and people really didn’t have attention spans for songs with substance.  Music fans wanted arena ready choruses to sing along to and this resulted in some of the worst songs of all-time.  I decided to compile a list of songs that piss me off most from that era.  Without further adieu here are the top 5 worst songs of the 1980s.

 5. “Summer of 69’” (Bryan Adams):  This song really wouldn’t be that bad if people didn’t consider it a classic. Everyone seems to LOVE this song, but why?  Nothing really happens during the song .There is no real melody to speak of.  It’s almost like somebody declared the song a classic when it came out and everyone else just kind of went along with it.  Not only that but Bryan Adams was only 9 during the summer of 69, enough said.

4. “Bad”- (Michael Jackson):  It seems like whenever someone brings up MJ’s music it’s to shower him with praise.  Fans consider it blasphemous to criticize the “King of Pop.”Sorry MJ fanatics but I’m criticizing him anyway. This song is really bad but aptly titled.  One can’t help but think that he may have had children on his mind with a line like “your butt is mine” as the opening lyric to the song.

3. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” (Poison):  God this song is awful. Bret Michaels probably intended for it to sound heartfelt, but it comes off as sounding completely contrived.  He probably heard someone use the phrase “every rose has its thorn” and thought “Great! That’s an awesome song title!”  He then proceeded to take 5 minutes to write this 4 minute atrocity.  

2.  “Don’t Stop Believing” (Journey)- I hear this song EVERYWHERE, one of the reasons I’ve grown to hate it so much.  One day I heard it on my way to work, then again at Subway for lunch, then again at the gym, then finally at the bar later that night.  When I heard it that night at the bar, it was accompanied by a chorus of drunken fools singing along in their falsettos.  Everything about this song sucks.  I hate it from the opening piano riff all the way until that melodramatic ending.  All I can picture when I hear it is a bunch of teenage girls jumping up and down while pointing at the stage singing “DON’T STOP BELIEVING! HOLD ONTO THAT FEEELINGG!!!”  Journey has a knack for writing really bad songs but this one takes the cake. If it wasn’t for Jon Bon Jovi, this would be the worst song of the 1980s, and possibly the worst song in the history of man-kind.  

1. “Livin on a Prayer” (BON JOVI)- Really anything by Bon Jovi could occupy this slot.  He is terrible.  How did he become such a recognizable name in the first place?  If you think about it, he is essentially a two hit wonder.  “My Life” and “Livin on a Prayer” should be considered as one hit because they are essentially the same song.  His other hit would be “You Give Love a Bad Name,” and I shouldn’t have to explain to anyone why that song sucks.  Bon Jovi should make like Tommy Tutone and fade into 80s obscurity where he belongs. Living on a prayer is overdramatic, overly commercialized, and extremely annoying.  There is nothing worse than going to a bar and listening to a bunch of buzzed women singing along as they jump up and down to the cheesy chorus.  “OOOOOHHHHHHH WE’RE HALFWAY THEREEEEE!!!!, WHOOOOHHHH! LIVING ON A PRAYER!!!!”  My father said it best one time, “this type of music is for 45 yr old women who haven’t gotten laid in a long.time”.  Sorry Jon but “Livin on a Prayer” gives rock a BAD NAME.  

So there you have it, the worst songs of the 1980s.  There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt like the only sane man in this world (sort of like how Bob Newhart felt in his shows).  Are other people crazy?  Don’t they realize how much these songs suck?  Why are these songs popular?  Anyway thanks for reading.  If this blog pissed you off you shouldn’t read Tony’s as it is even worse!  Good day.